Gyms for Normals

Gym: Sport & Health Ballston

Address: 4238 Wilson Blvd # 3018
Arlington, VA 22203

Class: Pilates XPress

The Instructor Makes a Normal Gal Feel: Like a close talker

The Classmates Make a Normal Gal Feel: Slightly awkward

On a scale of 1 (waste of time) to 5 (bring the stretcher), for a normal gal this workout is a: 4. I felt the burn.

Here’s the deal: Free Seven-Day Pass

I don’t know why I seem to forget past experiences when contemplating them would prove useful, but I’ve done it again. I seem to forget that every time I try to cut corners, I pay for it in the end. In college I hated organic chemistry (duh), so I tried to get orgo 2 over with via a four-week summer course so that I didn’t have to face it for a full semester. This resulted in me facing it for a full semester plus a summer. A big fat D in orgo on steroids meant I was taking it twice.

It would have been smart to reflect on that experience before I attended Pilates Xpress, a mat class crunched into 30 minutes. Because the class is half as long as usual, I thought it would be half as hard. Instead, the class is just done in double time. I have never had to do so many reps in pilates as in Pilates Xpress. On the bright side, by only 6 PM I already felt like my ass had been handed to me at the gym and I could go eat a meatball sub, which I did.

Pilates Xpress was a good workout, and against my better judgment I’d probably do it again. Next time I’ll probably act less awkward, though. I walked in and the mats were all facing horizontally (AKA the opposite of what is normal), and it threw me off. Without knowing it, I had put my mat DIRECTLY in front of the teacher’s, so that we were basically having a starring contest throughout the whole class. I felt particularly weird about this when I realized that this was one of the classes where the attendees all come every week and know each other. So, it’s a good thing I showed up new and went straight for the center of the room.

I got a lot out of the class, but I found the teacher a little off. I know I really have no authority to critique people’s form in pilates, but every time the teacher went into plank her butt seemed to be way up in their air. I’m no expert, but I’m pretty sure planks are flat. So that was weird. But regardless, her verbal instructions were helpful, and for the first time ever I found myself profusely sweating in a pilates class.

There are also many pluses to attending classes at Sport and Health Ballston, which is connected to the Ballston “Mall.” These pluses include Panera, Noodles and Company, a food court, and Cold Stone, where you can get a “Gotta Have It-”sized lard with sprinkles on top once you’re done at the gym. To quote Michael Scott, this is a “win-win-win.”

Gym: Sport and Health Arlington

Address: 1122 Kirkwood Road
Arlington, VA 22201

Class: Club Cardio

The Instructor Makes a Normal Gal Feel: Like dancing to some Debbie Gibson.

The Classmates Make a Normal Gal Feel: Young and in need of a helmet.

On a scale of 1 (waste of time) to 5 (bring the stretcher), for a normal gal this workout is a: 4. I felt the burn.

Here’s the deal: Free Seven-Day Pass 

After all this time doing exercise classes, I finally attended the classic. It was called “Club Cardio,” but at the start the teacher clarified that it was truly “old school aerobics.” For some reason this made me feel awesome. 20-somethings in the late 80s were the coolest. They had big hair and everything neon, and by doing aerobics I felt like I had my own little window into being that rad.

And I’m guessing 20-somethings in the 80s were fitter than we are now, because aerobics is significantly harder than our modern-day Zumbing. It’s a serious workout that can involve serious passion. The Club Cardio teacher at Sport and Health Arlington is deeply passionate about aerobics. She could barely contain her excitement, or her desire for us to become the most accurate grapeviners ever. If it were up to her, we’d go pro.

Her dedication I appreciated, but sometimes I thought she could layoff a little on the commands. She drove home that it was CRITICAL that everyone always be on the exact same foot. Unfortunately, her demands were far from met. Next to me was the most woefully uncoordinated woman ever. She was about 60 years old and was literally moving in the wrong direction every second. I tried but unfortunately failed at hiding my annoyance as I spent 50 percent of my time awkwardly trying to aerobic dance myself away from her to avoid becoming a crash test dummy. I understand that it wasn’t always easy to follow along, particularly since our deeply passionate teacher sometimes ventured off into her own improv aerobics moves that she instructed us NOT to follow (um, you’re teaching a synchronized group exercise class), but this lady was out of control.

What this class managed to do perfectly, however, was bring back the positives of jazz at the Oakland School of Dance circa 1989, without any of the negatives. The pivots were fun and sassy like Wilson Phillips’ and I did more sashays than RuPaul at a dance-off. I am living in the wrong time, because I happen to think that these moves are way cooler than Zumba. Awkward.

Sport and Health Arlington is also just a pretty great place overall. For one, they have motivational posters EVERYWHERE. And believe it or not, their BOLD FONTS and inspirational photographs work. I should get one for my office. The gym is also full of old people and tall, straight guys. My kind of crowd. And finally, and absolutely most important of all, this place is NOT CROWDED. That is gym heaven in this town of 40-person kickboxing classes where every punch is a lawsuit waiting to happen. There were only eight people in Club Cardio, and as long as you avoid Wrong-Direction Debbie, you should have ample space to get your fitness on at Sport and Health.

Gym: Fitness First Arlington    

Address: 1310 N Courthouse Rd
Arlington, VA 22201

Class: Zumba

The Instructor Makes a Normal Gal Feel: Enraged!

The Classmates Make a Normal Gal Feel: Warm and welcome

On a scale of 1 (waste of time) to 5 (bring the stretcher), for a normal gal this workout is a: 3. It’s a decent workout.

Here’s the deal: Free Guest Pass 

If the Micro Machines man is still single (and alive), I’ve met the perfect lady for him. The Zumba teacher at Fitness First Arlington not only talks as fast as he does, but can also Zumb at record-breaking speed. This unique superpower is unfortunately not so useful when you’ve got an unbearably packed room of Zumba novices who are trying to follow along with you as your tiny voice and tiny body move at the speed of light. The extreme crowdedness at Fitness First Arlington made it particularly tough to keep track of the blurry ball of hot pink tank top and giant hair zipping around the front of the room.

I don’t know if it’s because she wasn’t wearing official Zumba! brand apparel, but I have to say that I was quite disappointed with this high-speed Zumber. She would pause before a song to teach us a dance, but would do it so rapidly that my lovely new friends and I would just stare at each other in disbelief. I knew things were really out of hand when I felt completely lost watching one of her demonstrations, but then realized once the song started that I actually knew the whole dance by heart from a prior class— I just couldn’t see that from her fast-forwarded take on it.

The great thing about this chaos was that it brought all of us participants together. This class was probably one of the friendliest I’ve been to in terms of actually talking with classmates. It was a good thing we made friends with each other, because the confusion led to Zumber-on-Zumber collisions more than once. We all empathized with each other, which is why I did my best to hold back my laughter when every time I did a turning move the right way, the girl behind me did it the wrong way and repeatedly ended up with her face nearly touching mine.

I was still glad that I went to class because it gave me the opportunity to sweat instead of just eating more Captain Crunch. But I can’t say that I’d recommend this class to other normals. It may get better if Fitness First invests in technology that will put a little blue light around the teacher, the way ESPN does to help viewers keep track of the hockey puck at all times. But regardless of my opinion, I don’t think Fitness First has to worry about how to keep their studios full. With a 20-person line at door waiting for yoga class after Zumba, I’m pretty sure that this fitness factory will keep on confusing DC gym-goers for years to come.

Gym: The Energy Club, Shirlington

Address: 2900 S. Quincy Street, Arlington, VA 22206

Class: Spin Party

The Instructor Makes a Normal Gal Feel: As fierce as his alter ego, Betty

The Classmates Make a Normal Gal Feel: Like you fit in. The class is diverse (in race, age, and gender), so everyone fits in.

On a scale of 1 (waste of time) to 5 (bring the stretcher), for a normal gal this workout is a: 4. I felt the burn.

Here’s the Deal: Free One-Week Trial

On my drive over to Spin Party I was feeling irritated at the class name. I felt like someone was trying to trick me into thinking that riding a stationary bicycle in a room full of sweaty fitness psychos would be the same kind of fun as drinking a pitcher of Crystal Light and vodka while watching Kitten Mittons repeatedly (because if that’s not a party, I don’t know what is). But when I arrived I realized that the problem wasn’t the class name, but my lack of imagination. I just don’t dream big enough to fathom the magic that is Spin Party.

Spin Party is taught by Jose and his fierce alter ego, Betty. I am not making her up— Jose introduced us to Betty tonight and let us know that she is totally fierce. Jose and Betty know how to turn that Energy Club torture chamber into a great party. They put on some “retro” club hits, which to them means songs from 2007. To keep us entertained while we rode, Jose demonstrated how to properly shake our asses in the club, and Betty taught us how to flip our hair like Cher. Jose even acted out “Don’t Leave Me this Way” (club remix) by getting down on his knees and singing to an awkward and uncomfortable male spinner wearing a baseball cap adorned with fraternity letters. It was during this moment that my deep feelings of love for Jose solidified. 

Jose is one of the best spin instructors for normals I’ve ever seen. Instead of just yelling at us to go faster or turn up the resistance, he would tell us in his incredibly sweet and cheery voice, “Don’t be afraid,” before asking us to increase our resistance or go faster. And I appreciate that because I actually am afraid. I am terrified of that mimicking little knob and I am scared of going fast, because those things hurt, damn it! But Jose met me where I was at and made me feel like trying. It didn’t hurt that he also announced to the whole class that I was his favorite. This (clearly) wasn’t because of my riding skills, but because I was the only one willing to sing Total Eclipse of the Heart (club remix) with him. (What the hell kind of person DOESN’T want to sing Total Eclipse of the Heart? This is an issue that is just beyond me.)

I would like to note that the members of the sorority house torture chamber called Spin II warned me against going to Jose’s class. They told me it was bad because Jose walks around talking. I thought they meant that he would talk about spinning, but today I realized that these people were referring to— and disliking— Jose’s hilarious anecdotes about leaving the dance floor in ruins and wearing mascara that wouldn’t come off for three days (Betty swears by Solange). It became very clear to me that there are two kinds of people in this world: Spin Party people and Spin II torture chamber people. I think we all know who’s the most fierce.

Gym: The Energy Club, Shirlington

Address: 2900 S. Quincy Street, Arlington, VA 22206

Class: Zumba

The Instructor Makes a Normal Gal Feel: Like a Fly Girl. (Can you spot J Lo?)

The Classmates Make a Normal Gal Feel: Like you have new friends of all ages.

On a scale of 1 (waste of time) to 5 (bring the stretcher), for a normal gal this workout is a: 3. It’s a decent workout.

Here’s the Deal: Free One-Week Trial

I forgive you, Energy Club. You tested my patience the night you threw me into a torture chamber, but I appreciate the way you made it up to me today via a hilarious and fun Zumba class.

I always get a kick out of Zumba. I feel like I’ve partaken in a lot of accidentally ridiculous workouts, but Zumba is absurd by design. I especially enjoy when teachers wear the designated Zumba brand apparel, which is usually neon, says ZUMBA all over it in crazy font, and involves bizarre workout cargo pants that look like they belong on a 15-year old raver circa 1998.

I lucked out today with one of those teachers at the Energy Club. Since my group workout theory is the wackier the teacher, the better the class, the second I walked in I knew I hit the jackpot. The teacher was full-on neon— bright green ZUMBA! pants, neon orange headband with crazy big hair, purple shoes. Not to mention that every few minutes she closed her eyes and started giggling and sometimes jumping.

But my theory was right, because the class was awesome. It’s a great alternative to going out drinking and booty dancing, as it allows you to spend your Sunday popping your backside to the song  “Shots” for fitness. And unlike some Zumba classes, the steps aren’t so complicated that you’ll be totally lost, give up after one song, and then just start making up your own raunchy dance moves to pass the time. Instead, it actually made feel like I have some serious rhythm for a white girl (and it didn’t hurt that a number of the other gals in the class were 50+ and clearly had no experience dropping it).

I always hate when workout DVDs or classes advertise themselves by saying that you won’t even realize you’re exercising (because lord do I notice every long second when I am working out), but for Zumba at the Energy Club, that’s pretty much true. Head down there on a Sunday afternoon and shake what yo momma gave ya. 

Gym: Virginia Hospital Center

Address: 1701 North George Mason Drive
Arlington, VA 22205

Here’s the Deal: Because it’s a non-profit hospital, these classes are just plain cheap!

In case you haven’t figured it out, I have not always been a fan of the whole “exercise” concept. There was a time when getting me to go to a group class was harder than talking to me into entering a Georgetown bar on a Saturday night. (This time lasted for 24 years.)  But when the situation became dire, it was time for me to face the fact that I might have to actually move my body.

However, I didn’t dive headfirst into the psycho DC gym world. Instead, I found a place where exercise classes were full of sunshine and rainbows instead of trophy wives with 45-dollar yoga mats. It’s not going to sound glamorous, but I’m talking about the Virginia Hospital Center.

Through its health promotion department (which by the way is run by a seriously awesome gal), the Virginia Hospital Center offers all sorts of classes— cardio, pilates, yoga, body sculpting, etc. And these classes are CHEAP, people. None of that $15-a-session crap. The FIRST EVER exercise class I took, cardio strength circuit, is only $7 a class. And not only is it affordable, but it’s also a good place to go if you are looking for a friend, because the teacher will become yours. This is great if you’ve recently moved here from middle America and have only one friend in DC whose name is Target.

Cardio strength circuit at the Virginia Hospital Center isn’t for the die-hard fitness freaks. It’s a great class for a normal gal to work out in a friendly, albeit nonconventional environment. Sometimes you will have plastic classmates who are hanging out after CPR class. And your human classmates will be very diverse. In fact, one time I saw a 70 year-old woman trip over her own foot and fall over in this class. But fortunately, you can make cardio strength circuit as hard or easy as you want it to be, with the help of the instructor who knows all sorts of modifications. Some of the circuits will even give DC gym psychos a run for their money without any modification—mountain climbers and jumping squats often made me want to scream. And I’ve heard that since I left they’ve stepped things up and made it more challenging.

I love the people at the Virginia Hospital Center and you will too. It’s enrollment time for fall classes!

Recap: Cardio Strength Circuit

The Instructor Makes a Normal Gal Feel: Like you’re her BFF.

The Classmates Make a Normal Gal Feel: Young. And newly aware of why those “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up commercials” exist.  

On a scale of 1 (waste of time) to 5 (bring the stretcher), for a normal gal this workout is a: 3. It’s a decent workout.