Gyms for Normals

Gym: Sport & Health Ballston

Address: 4238 Wilson Blvd # 3018
Arlington, VA 22203

Class: Pilates XPress

The Instructor Makes a Normal Gal Feel: Like a close talker

The Classmates Make a Normal Gal Feel: Slightly awkward

On a scale of 1 (waste of time) to 5 (bring the stretcher), for a normal gal this workout is a: 4. I felt the burn.

Here’s the deal: Free Seven-Day Pass

I don’t know why I seem to forget past experiences when contemplating them would prove useful, but I’ve done it again. I seem to forget that every time I try to cut corners, I pay for it in the end. In college I hated organic chemistry (duh), so I tried to get orgo 2 over with via a four-week summer course so that I didn’t have to face it for a full semester. This resulted in me facing it for a full semester plus a summer. A big fat D in orgo on steroids meant I was taking it twice.

It would have been smart to reflect on that experience before I attended Pilates Xpress, a mat class crunched into 30 minutes. Because the class is half as long as usual, I thought it would be half as hard. Instead, the class is just done in double time. I have never had to do so many reps in pilates as in Pilates Xpress. On the bright side, by only 6 PM I already felt like my ass had been handed to me at the gym and I could go eat a meatball sub, which I did.

Pilates Xpress was a good workout, and against my better judgment I’d probably do it again. Next time I’ll probably act less awkward, though. I walked in and the mats were all facing horizontally (AKA the opposite of what is normal), and it threw me off. Without knowing it, I had put my mat DIRECTLY in front of the teacher’s, so that we were basically having a starring contest throughout the whole class. I felt particularly weird about this when I realized that this was one of the classes where the attendees all come every week and know each other. So, it’s a good thing I showed up new and went straight for the center of the room.

I got a lot out of the class, but I found the teacher a little off. I know I really have no authority to critique people’s form in pilates, but every time the teacher went into plank her butt seemed to be way up in their air. I’m no expert, but I’m pretty sure planks are flat. So that was weird. But regardless, her verbal instructions were helpful, and for the first time ever I found myself profusely sweating in a pilates class.

There are also many pluses to attending classes at Sport and Health Ballston, which is connected to the Ballston “Mall.” These pluses include Panera, Noodles and Company, a food court, and Cold Stone, where you can get a “Gotta Have It-”sized lard with sprinkles on top once you’re done at the gym. To quote Michael Scott, this is a “win-win-win.”

Gym: Sport & Health Skyline

Address: 5115 Leesburg Pike
Falls Church, VA 22041

Class: Pilates Mat

The Instructor Makes a Normal Gal Feel: Home (in suburban Michigan)

The Classmates Make a Normal Gal Feel: Young and flexible

On a scale of 1 (waste of time) to 5 (bring the stretcher), for a normal gal this workout is a: 3. It was a decent workout.

Here’s the deal: Free Seven-Day Pass

First and foremost, if you go to Sport & Health Skyline, you are DIRECTLY CONNECTED to a Target. There is a magic, secret stairway that takes you out of the gym’s parking garage and teleports you directly in front of the discount land of your dreams. It’s like being placed directly in front of the gates of heaven, except this heaven takes coupons. That is already enough information to prove that Sport & Health Skyline is the ultimate in fitness facilities, but I’ll continue.

Inside Sport & Health, the suburban bliss continues. The teacher took me right back to Metro Detroit, where fitness teachers are all in their late forties with short, stylish mom do’s. The classmates were also on the older side, with no trendy yoga tops in sight. Au contraire, at one point I looked back and noticed that we were joined by the one and only Dwight Schrute. With coke bottle glasses in full effect, I saw the assistant to the regional manager working on his fitness, legs and arms flailing about with motions significantly more rambunctious than recommended by Joe P. (Be sure to check out the last image- that’s the money shot.) In typical Dwight Schrute fashion, he exited class by recommending that everyone stay up until midnight to make it to the first showing of the Hunger Games. (I know half of you would have done that too, but whatever.)

Like always, I fully enjoyed doing pilates, the one type of exercise that I can say with a straight face I truly love. But if you’ve ever had your ass kicked by pilates, you weren’t at Sport & Health Skyline. This pilates class was definitely among the easiest I’ve been to. It wasn’t that the moves were necessarily easy (at least not most of them), but the number of reps we did was on the very low side. Given that I fell off the consistent pilates wagon a while ago, I definitely still think I got something out of it, but I’m pretty sure Joe P would be less than proud.

The Skyline pilates experience overall was a pleasant one, though. It was a little awkward when booming Euro techno and then Ke$sha from the next room were drowning out the teacher’s new age whisper music, but once that ear explosion was over I felt calm and relaxed. Like the other Sport & Health location I’ve been to, the class wasn’t crowded and the room was spacious. And in conclusion, in case you forgot, this gym is connected to a Target.  

Criss Cross Applesauce

Gym: Crunch Metro Center

Address: 555 12th St. NW, Washington, DC 20005

Class: Pilates

The Instructor Makes a Normal Gal Feel: Like everything is warm and fuzzy and maybe you’ll even have naptime. Or snack time!

The Classmates Make a Normal Gal Feel: Impressed. Women with at least 50 pounds on me demonstrated a level of ab strength that I can only dream about.

On a scale of 1 (waste of time) to 5 (bring the stretcher), for a normal gal this workout is a: 4. I felt the burn.

Here’s the Deal: Free Guest Pass 

If you don’t like cutesy sayings and high-pitched voices, do not go to pilates at Crunch. I for one do not mind these things a bit, and in the world of scary spin teachers and group fitness divas, actually welcome them when working out. So my evening at Crunch was just super. Not unlike Vida, the class was taught by a peppy cheerleader-type, but this one came chock-full of ridiculous and adorable expressions. The best was definitely her use of “criss-cross applesauce” to describe even the most painful ab exercises. She had special sayings for other moves, like when we went into our bridges and she told us that we should “fire up our gluts” and remember that “we don’t want shoulders for earrings.” I found this all strangely motivating, which I guess isn’t surprising since kindergarten tactics always work on me. Promise me stickers and I’ll do anything you need.

This class was also great because it started out as if the teacher had gone into my brain and found all of my favorite songs and created a special pilates play list just for me. The first song was Bon Iver and the second Florence and the Machine, aka my intense obsession going on unhealthy addiction. Things continued on this path of greatness to the point where sometimes I was too excited about the music to even concentrate, until it was all shockingly interrupted by country music. Country. I felt betrayed. I thought we had an understanding, lady.

Regardless of the musical treason, pilates at Crunch was really excellent. I felt motivated and happy to try some new moves that, although unfamiliar, were totally doable. I felt like we cheated a bit because there were no teasers in this class— a lacking that feels great at the time but I know isn’t good for me— but I still got a solid, well-rounded workout. The class also used a lot of the “pilates ring” (not to be confused with NuvaRing, which I imagine has a lot of commercials with ladies talking about their monthly cycles and on-the-go lifestyles while doing pilates, but that didn’t happen today). I usually find the use of the pilates ring annoying, but at Crunch I felt it was used appropriately, without the teacher trying to incorporate it into every move just so we could use some crazy finagled workout technology at all times.

As for Crunch overall, I still think it’s just swell. Although I piss and moan about how gross it is to use communal yoga mats (because it is), I was happily relieved when, upon realizing I forgot my mat today, I called the gym to ask if they have mats and they said to me, “Of course we have mats. All of our classes have everything that you need already there.” Considering this gym is the cheapest of the cheap in town, that’s some pretty great service. On top of that, when I arrived and grabbed a towel, it was still warm from the drier. Take note, Vida. This is luxury.

But the highlight of Crunch is still its diversity. I know I’ve mentioned this about Crunch before, but today I experienced it on a whole new level. I was surprised and annoyed at the unabashed rudeness of a woman asking me how much I weighed while I was standing on the scale in the locker room. While preparing to answer with an edited version of “how about you mind your own damn business,” I turned around and saw a woman who was absolutely, undoubtedly older than my 86 year-old grandmother. And it was confirmed. Today at Crunch I met a 91 year-old fellow gym-goer. And not only was she at the gym (which is more than I can say for myself when it comes to at least 26 years of my young life), but I learned that at one point this 5’7 woman was 210 pounds. If she could edit out her commentary about all the fat people she sees on the bus, this lady could make serious bank on the motivational fitness speaker circuit. Between her and Miss Kindergarten Pilates, Crunch was jam-packed with inspiration today.

Gym: Vida Fitness, Metropole

Address: 1517 15th Street, NW Washington DC 20005

Class: Pilates Mat

The Instructor Makes a Normal Gal Feel: Like you got hit by a tornado of PEP!!!!

The Classmates Make a Normal Gal Feel: Much less annoyed than usual (for Vida)

On a scale of 1 (waste of time) to 5 (bring the stretcher), for a normal gal this workout is a: 4. I felt the burn.

Here’s the Deal: Last day of my 2-month Vida “Deals for Deeds” (now Recoup) deal

Vida and I are done with. We had our ups and downs, but I’m happy to say we left on really good terms. My last hour with Vida was spent engaged in the one kind of exercise I can actually take (too) seriously- pilates. And it was a really good pilates class. Unlike the two pilates classes I went to at Vida Verizon Center, this class at Metropole was less crowded than the Tokyo subway. And unlike the last time I attended pilates at Metropole, I didn’t find myself losing consciousness and envisioning the long white tunnel due to Hell-like temperatures.

This pilates class was orderly and peaceful. Instead of being rather militant like the teacher at Verizon Center, this teacher was kind and patient. Because of that it didn’t bother me that her perky voice and high blonde ponytail were far more fitting of a Jane Fonda workout video than an “inner fitness” exercise class. I also was much more able to find my inner peace this time because I brought my own mat. I know the cool thing to do at Vida is be a fitness sheep and use the green, too thin mats that are provided for you. But just because you are fancy enough to go to Vida doesn’t mean your sweat doesn’t stink. It does. On the mats. The last time I went to a Vida pilates class it took all my effort not to puke during swimming because of the stench of that trendy conformist mat. Noooooo thank you. My plush TJ Maxx mat smells great and made this last Vida class a far more pleasant experience.

Pilates at Vida Verizon Center is pretty damn hard. There were definitely some moves I just couldn’t do. At Metropole, however, I felt skilled and even somewhat strong. It was a good workout, but luckily lacked the outright impossible moves. I particularly enjoyed that there were some new moves that I had never done in my 2+ years of learning pilates, yet these moves were still at a moderate skill level. It turns out Jane Fonda is a pretty great pilates teacher!

So ends my saga with Vida. It was the most tumultuous relationship I ever had with a gym. I laughed, I sighed, I cursed the nonparticipating instructors and the fitness freaks, and I heard unexpected whale sound cds at full volume. Although I can’t say I see a future for us, Vida, our time together was never boring. So long.

Gym: Vida Fitness, Metropole

Address: 1517 15th Street, NW Washington DC 20005

Class: Pilates Mat

The Instructor Makes a Normal Gal Feel: Encouraged and happy

The Classmates Make a Normal Gal Feel: Like a weakling

On a scale of 1 (waste of time) to 5 (bring the stretcher), for a normal gal this workout is a: 4. I felt the burn.

Here’s the Deal: I’m working through a 2-month Deals for Deeds membership, without which Vida membership would cost close to what I spend on rent.

Tonight I learned that I was once awesome. I used to go to pilates every week and I would breeze through classes thinking that I wasn’t really even getting any exercise. My experience tonight showed me that in fact I was actually kind of strong, and now my body has atrophied and I soon may need assistance lifting my drinks. In class tonight, poses that I used to be able to hold forever made my arms shake within 10 seconds. In the first 5 minutes my abs were ready to give out. Leaving class totally annoyed with myself for letting all that work go to waste, I developed a case of post-pilates depression. Luckily I was on my way to cash in a Groupon for chicken kebabs, so my recovery was miraculously speedy.

Apart from my own self-loathing, this pilates class was pretty great. Past classes I’ve been in were taught by hippy dippy 50 year-olds who played new age chanting music. Pilates at Vida is taught by an energetic 20-something instructor and involves the sexy sounds of LL Cool J. The teacher makes the class rather challenging and goes around to help people get the positions right, but she isn’t annoying or intimidating. She even does a heads-down vote circa kindergarten to give people an opportunity to let her know if they don’t want her to come over and correct them.

There are definitely some hardcore pilates gals in this class. Since I truly love pilates, instead of seeing them as a bunch of fitness freaks who I’m forced to live peacefully among in this town of gym psychos, these girls inspire me. I want to get back into pilates and have super woman strength. One thing I love about pilates is that no matter how fit a man appears, whenever he comes to class, he always seems to flail about like a jelly fish and grunt at how hard it is while the ladies work on through it. You might see some yuppy girly girls walking to pilates and roll your eyes at them and their silly mats in fancy bags (okay, I have one), but let me tell you, they’re working hard and the men they’ve left in their dust have the stories to prove it.

The one way that this class could be significantly better is that it could take place somewhere other than a heat dungeon. It seriously irritates me that for the $500,000 a month it costs to join Vida, they can’t invest in some freaking fans. When you’re doing strenuous exercises in positions where blood is rushing to your head, 100-degree heat puts you at a code-red level threat for vomit. I dread the day that this point is proven on Vida’s fabulous wood floors.